I feel powerful today. Overwhelmed and exhausted, but powerful just the same. I’m finally realizing that I can be in control of my treatment. I can’t control the side effects, but I can manage to hold on to my spirit and my sense of unique individuality through this process. I decided for my second round of chemo that I would wear my favorite tight jeans and my red mary janes- I may even apply my Aveda lip gloss as a reminder that I am a vibrant woman! I don’t have to go into this feeling like a cancer patient, do I? NO! I am Wendi, and not this cancer. I am Wendi, and not the treatment that I am going through. My plan is to take control of this regimen and to try my best to be authentically me in the process.
I haven’t managed to find the time or the nerve to cut my hair yet, but I appreciate all of the suggestions regarding style and color. This weekend may find me sitting at a barber or beauty shop or I may just take the scissors to my own hair- either way, I plan to be sassy about it. I plan on having another opportunity to take charge of this experience and to have fun in the meantime.
First day of chemo began with early morning surgery to place the porta cath. We arrived at the hospital at 5:30 a.m. met by our friend “donut Jenn” who made sure the staff had a box full of Top Pot Donuts. We had little time to digest the fullness of the day (or any donuts, doggonit) before the preparations for surgery began- updating records, taking vitals, giving me my fabulous surgical outfit to change into (complete with cozy socks), and then it was off to surgery at 7:30 a.m. promptly. I was out of surgery and into recovery by 8:30 a.m., and we were off to meet the oncologist, have bloodwork done, and then to the treatment center where I would have my first chemo infusion.
The Swedish Cancer Clinic has a nice treatment center where they offer beverages hot or cold, brown bag lunches, cookies, custard, etc., but what I was craving was a pomegranate Jamba Juice. Reen rushed to get us our juice when my Herceptin infusion began, and was back with hot soup and juice before I knew it. We sat for six hours in a lovely corner where we looked out on the veranda complete with japanese maples, bamboo, and grasses for us to admire. I truly didn’t spend much time admiring anything, however, as I slept a good portion of my infusion (except for the insane reaction I had to the Benadryl, after which I got a horribly inappropriate case of the giggles and a desire to wiggle my body….then I fell asleep again).
I’ve been told that the first infusion is one of the easiest, and that I may experience increased fatigue, muscle ache, and some nausea with the infusions to come. Although I’m not looking forward to the next several months of chemo, I feel as prepared as I can be. Today my shoulder aches from the surgery, but I feel quite good. My plan is to get my hair cut to a shorter, funkier style, because I’ve been told I could have just a bit more time with locks on my head if my hair isn’t long. I know it’s putting off the inevitable, but I want to avoid looking like a cancer patient as long as I can. When I do shave my head, I know I have some wonderful scarves and hats to wear thanks to friends who’ve donated them. I also know that I will make it through this journey with a few more scars that will add to my personal roadmap (and the mosaic of my life).
What to expect tomorrow…dreadfully early morning for surgical placement of the port followed by recovery, meeting with the oncologist, and then my very first chemo infusion. I know it won’t be nearly as bad as I envision, and that there won’t be a skull and crossbones on the bag that holds the chemo drugs, but I can’t help but feel resistant. Who came up with the idea of infusing chemicals into people that are meant to create free radicals that seek and destroy cells? It goes against what I know about health- but, then again, getting a cancer diagnosis tends to make one re-think everything they may have thought they “knew” about health.
This week we went to hear Terry Tempest-Williams speak and read from her new book Finding Beauty in a Broken World. I resonate with the idea that creativity can spark healing, and that finding a way to re-build something beautiful from that which has been broken is not only possible, but necessary in order to find meaning. My experience since receiving the diagnosis of cancer has been filled with ripping apart and loss, and yet there have been incredible moments in which I have found fragments that I intend to save for an incredible life mosaic when I need it down the road. Really, in the large context of this insane world, my little cancer experience is nothing. Losing little pieces of myself only create room for shiny new fragments of soul to shine through. Who knows- maybe chemo will be a blessing in the mosaic of my life.
The dreaded drainage tubes were removed today! Hooray!
One week from surgery, and I’m feeling incredible (although just a wee bit stir crazy, I must admit). The visits from friends have been such a sweet gift- I can’t tell you how much it means to see your faces, hear some news from the outside world, and to recieve so many loving embraces. Our home is filled with flowers, delicious food, and cards a-plenty, and we are just blissed out of our minds (and our bellies are full and happy, too!).
Mom and sister Tami left Sunday after realizing I was doing so well- thank you so much to Jessica and Andy for the beautiful space that you allowed them to stay in! What a huge gift that was to have my family close by, and yet able to retreat for much needed rest in the evenings. Irene’s been slowly increasing her hours at work while maintaining a daily schedule of being my nurse, personal chef, and maid. I’m actually quite self-sufficient these days; capable of dressing myself, showering on my own, and even preparing some of what I eat, but I haven’t received the full go-ahead from the surgeon for exercise or lifting anything heavier than 5 lbs (which I think includes bed making and scooping the cat litter…).
For those wondering, the pathology report has not been released yet. I’m scheduled to have a port surgically placed on October 10th, and will start my weekly chemo routine that day- phew! I should be back to work by Monday of next week, just in time to show off my new, sleek figure (I lost 7 pounds with those breasts removed!). That gives me just 6 days for cami shopping and catching up on all the movies I missed during my busy work and school schedule!
Much gratitude to you beautiful people in my life- I am blessed beyond belief!
faded scars and all 