seasonal reflection

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I returned to work yesterday on the morn of the Autumn Equinox. The seasonal shift had me thinking of all of the change that has happened since the beginning of summer when I initially found the lump in my breast. On my first day of summer classes, I was told that the lump was malignant, and that it was an aggressive form of breast cancer. I couldn’t have felt more put out- “I don’t have time for this”, I thought (and said out loud, many times). But I was energized to do research while I worked and went to school. The sun and warmth of the seasons helped me to stay focused and to soak in the beauty of the nature around me. As summer ended, I prepared for surgery, had surgery, and I continue to feel strong in my recovery. Now with fall and the rain and darkness that I know lay ahead in these coming months, I’m trying to prepare for chemo. Like many trees and plants, I will be losing more of myself as my body reacts to the drugs- my hair will most likely fall out, my skin will become dry, and I will become tired. Autumn and winter will be a reminder that I need to rest and to prepare for the new growth of spring. As long as I remember the beauty of cycles and of the need for deep sleep in order to set my roots deeper into the earth, I know that I will not only get through this, but I will be stronger and more beautiful for it.

Yesterday I returned to work, and although there are some painful and sad changes happening, it feels good to be there. This may be partially due to the fact that my desk looks like a wildflower garden with all of the bouquets I’ve been graced with, but also due to the loving embraces and kind words and thoughts of my co-workers. I am blessed, and I take none of this for granted. And still, I await the official pathology report…

from the ashes…

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Jane stopped by yesterday and brought this beautiful piece that she wove from the under wire that she found in ashes from our fire ritual (for those who weren’t there, I’m talking about the fabulous burning of the bras). It’s a nest that represents the resilience and the potential beauty that comes from this experience, but I also see it as representing the strength of friends who join together to form a container or a net in which anyone can choose to fall and be held. Maybe that’s what I see, because I feel very held right now. Thank you for the reminder, Jane!

As for me- I now have some funky little camis (well, technically, they’re sleep shirts…but they’re in bright colors, they look pretty, and they’re 100% cotton- lycra is not my friend), I’m getting lots of good rest, and I can put my arms nearly straight above my head! Still no news regarding the path report, however. As soon as I know anything, I will happily post away. Until then, I’m off for yet another afternoon nap under my freshly washed quilt. Ahhhhhh, the life of luxury.

xoxoxo W

ta-ta, tubes!

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The dreaded drainage tubes were removed today! Hooray!

One week from surgery, and I’m feeling incredible (although just a wee bit stir crazy, I must admit). The visits from friends have been such a sweet gift- I can’t tell you how much it means to see your faces, hear some news from the outside world, and to recieve so many loving embraces. Our home is filled with  flowers, delicious food, and cards a-plenty, and we are just blissed out of our minds (and our bellies are full and happy, too!).

Mom and sister Tami left Sunday after realizing I was doing so well- thank you so much to Jessica and Andy for the beautiful space that you allowed them to stay in! What a huge gift that was to have my family close by, and yet able to retreat for much needed rest in the evenings. Irene’s been slowly increasing her hours at work while maintaining a daily schedule of being my nurse, personal chef, and maid. I’m actually quite self-sufficient these days; capable of dressing myself, showering on my own, and even preparing some of what I eat, but I haven’t received the full go-ahead from the surgeon for exercise or lifting anything heavier than 5 lbs (which I think includes bed making and scooping the cat litter…).

For those wondering, the pathology report has not been released yet. I’m scheduled to have a port surgically placed on October 10th, and will start my weekly chemo routine that day- phew! I should be back to work by Monday of next week, just in time to show off my new, sleek figure (I lost 7 pounds with those breasts removed!). That gives me just 6 days for cami shopping and catching up on all the movies I missed during my busy work and school schedule!

Much gratitude to you beautiful people in my life- I am blessed beyond belief!

blossoms, broken glass and beach walks…

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Our home is filled with pink blossoms- gifts of flowers and plants from friends, family, and loving co-workers. It’s nice to have these reminders of beauty and hope. Even the sky was a mix of all of those pinks last night when Mom, Tami, Irene and I enjoyed our dinner on the beach at Discovery Park- the same place I disrobed for the topless photos! It was a joy to walk the beach and pick up pieces of broken shells and glass, even a small sliver of bright blue tin that caught my eye. I think it describes so well how I’m feeling- like I’m being tossed around right now by the tide and smoothed by rough sand until my edges become beautiful and soft. The process is painful and yet necessary…

I had my first good cry yesterday morning in the shower- it’s not easy being reliant on everyone to do so much for me. I can’t wash my own hair, prepare my own food, or even get dressed on my own. Irene and mom have been sharing the duty of “stripping the tubes” that hang from my chest- the worst part of this experience. My skin is still puckered and shocked, and I’m a little numb and itchy at the same time. But despite it all, I do have some energy for walks and my daily exercises, and I’ve been laughing as much as possible to open my heart. It helps having the calls, emails, and posts of support, as well as some of those surprise visits from friends! Our home is filled with good love and positive energy, along with all of those blossoms, and I can’t tell you how much it helps- W

new landscapes

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so crazy to think about just how changed my body looks and feels- I took my first shower yesterday after my mom gently removed the bandages. Even with the steri-strips, I feel fragile and vulnerable. I have to keep reminding myself that I feel amazingly strong and positive. Having tubes hanging out of my body, and limited range of motion is humbling, and yet it’s also a joy to find each day that I can do a little more and feel a little less of the pull and pain in doing so. I have MyReen to myself today, and am looking forward to having my face and body in the sun as well as a follow up accupuncture appointment. I so love having my friends stopping by with their smiles and surprised faces to see me up and around- what did you think?!? With all of the love that I’ve been surrounded with, I swear I could fly! Bring it on, you beauties! I’ll take all those powerful words you offer me- and the tasty food, of course! Our fridge is bursting at the seams and our bellies are happy and full. Much gratitude-