holy crap. I suck.
Last night my sweet, patient, loving partner said these words to me: “If only people knew you weren’t the person you portray on your blog”. Ouch. I’m not?
Apparently, the person I am at home can be really impatient and snappy with a cynical edge…
And yet here I am thinking I’m on this pilgrimage toward enlightenment with hopes of being patient, kind, compassionate, witty and good. And, for the most part, that’s what the world sees…unless we’re related or I’m really hungry or I was just cut off in traffic, of course. And it never fails that when I’m mean-spirited, impatient, or brazen in a bad way, I experience a major guilt complex afterward and I get all judgy and in my own face.
some of the horrible things I say to myself:
A real yogi wouldn’t act that way.
Someone who is really good or compassionate or kind wouldn’t do that really terrible thing you just did.
You’re a yogi hypocrite.
You don’t practice Ahimsa or Satya or Asteya, (enter any number of yogic terms, here), blah, blah, blah.
You need to get the hell out of contact with people. You’re totally irrational and super freaky, sister.
Wow, you have some serious karma to work off.
What the hell are you thinking? Are you insane? Yes. You’re insane.
Now you’ve blown it. That person sees the real you.
No wonder you got cancer.
Ok. I’m lying. I’m actually way meaner in my head. And I curse more. Way more. But I don’t know that it means I’m not the person I portray here on my little blog. Maybe it means that I’m constantly changing and that I’m totally imperfect, but in a human on a journey to be a better person kind of a way. Because every pilgrim and every seeker has different experiences and struggles that they need to go through in order to be a better person. My path might just be a windier one….
But here’s the grab. I’m open about my imperfections, and in a large part, I accept myself as a work in progress. This life is ever changing, and I am always working on cultivating forgiveness and patience. When I catch myself saying a variation of any of the cruel statements above in my head (about myself or anyone), I try to slow down to notice it. Where’s that coming from? Is that the real truth (answer: NO). And when that fails (as is often the case), I try to reflect later to think about what the real truth is; the truth isn’t that I’m a terrible person. The truth is that I may have had a moment (or longer) when I was irrational or mean (or any number of things), and that I’m a human being on this human journey. I make mistakes (sometimes really big ones) and I try my best to make up for it, grow from it, and learn about myself and others. And that, my friends, makes me a freaking righteous yogi. Just one with an attitude.